Correspondence with the Lunatics...
Jim,
We've been trying to call you since Friday after you talked to StepSpawn, but since we haven't connected, will write an email to hopefully clear up a misunderstanding. From what StepSpawn told us of your conversation, you think that a decision has been made without you to determine where StepSpawn will live. Let me tell you first of all that that is not the case. As both Dad and I told you, when we picked StepSpawn up, living with us is an option, and we feel a better option than sending her to Illinois. If I have said or done anything to make you think otherwise, I apologize.
We have talked to StepSpawn about that option, and explained to her that our life style is very different from what she has been used to, that if Your width of latitude with her is three feet wide, ours is three inches wide. And that our beliefs dictate that certain rules are not negotiable such as no make up, no pants (skirts or dresses only), etc. We were as inclusive as possible with the "non-negotiable" as we could be and explained why. She agreed to abide by these rules while she is with us possibly because she views it as short term. We have also talked to her about home schooling if she were to live with us. We have tried to be completely honest with her and have told her that having her with us would be a big change to our life style as well as hers. That our plans are to spend several months back east this fall which we would not be able to do if she is with us. We are willing to change our plans if both her parents determine that it is best for her to live with us.
Jim, one of the most important factors with your father is his relationship with you, we will not do anything to jeopardize that. So, if you do not want her with us, it will be your choice not ours.
Having said all of that, I also need to tell you the process we have found that StepSpawn is going through. When StepSpawn first got here, she was very angry with both you and The Mayor, going through what I call the Cinderella syndrome. She felt that she had become your slave and that was the only reason you wanted her there. The more we talked, the more she expressed that she feels that you do not listen to her, that you lecture for hours and that you immediately fly off the handle instead of asking questions, you accuse. (I'm pretty sure that non of this comes as a surprise to you as you have figured that there is a communication gap between the two of you. I'm also pretty sure that there is some truth in this but not all) at this point StepSpawn's whole focus was to convince her Mom that she should go back there and live.
We asked StepSpawn to write down the things that she wanted to talk to you, her Mom, The Mayor, and Stepdad about on the 19th. She has been making lists of these things, as well as what she likes about living at each house. Some of the things she has shared with us, some she has not, but she is planning to bring all of it up, either separately, or all together, when everyone is here. As I said, She was at first planning to convince her Mom that she should go back to California. That was until Sunday. StepSpawn called her Mom and told her of her plan, and apparently her Mom told her that she thought StepSpawn would be better off with us. They argued for a few minutes then her mom hung up on her (according StepSpawn)StepSpawn cried for at least 2 hours. She felt like her Mom didn't want her. She had been rejected. She then became angry at her Mom, because she felt that Her Mom would not discuss anything with her and that she has time for everyone StepSpawn.
Monday you called her and told her that you wanted to find ways to better communicate with her and work on solving the problems between the two of you. (Telling her you might be able to get "the handbag" back didn't hurt either.) Suddenly, things looked a little brighter for StepSpawn. She said if Dad is going to try to change, I think I can live with them. Now her plan was to live with Dad and tell Mom just to forget it.
I gotta tell you, you really fouled up when you talked to her on Friday. Until then she was coming home to you but you didn't do any of the things you said you would do - like listen and not jump to conclusions. She tried to call you back to explain that living with Grandpa and Grandma has only ever been an option. But so far she has not been able to talk to you. Now she feels totally rejected. She thinks that you didn't mean it when you said you wanted to fix things between you and react differently when problems arise. Now she doesn't know what to do or think. But you know what? Living with us is still only her third choice. She still would rather be with either you or her Mom.
We have a lot of things to talk about on the 19th, and your Dad and I have some things to include, but ultimately the decision of where StepSpawn lives is yours, The Mayor's, her Mom's, Stepdad's and StepSpawn's. Your dad and I will abide by whatever you all decide. StepSpawn will not live with us unless all of you willingly agree that this is the best place for her to be at this time, and she will only be here as long as you all willingly agree that she should stay here.
One of the things that I have learned, is that there is a bond between you and StepSpawn, and between her Mom and StepSpawn that no one can break, She loves both of you so much.
I hope this has cleared up some misunderstandings. We love you both.
Sandy and Dad
And here's Jim's reply
Sandy,
I told StepSpawn that I was probably going to continue to fly off the handle when faced with situations that anger me, especially sneakiness. The conversation that I had with StepSpawn on Friday was a result of my conversation with her mother on Friday afternoon.
Her Mom tells me StepSpawn has been trying to convince her to let StepSpawn come back to California, and StepSpawn and Grandma have decided that it would be best to try it out for a semester, if it doesn't work out StepSpawn can go back to Grandma's house.
I've talked to StepSpawn and she demands that everybody believe that she can change and that it will require work, and patience on our parts to let her do that, yet it escapes her understanding to believe that she is changing 15 years of upbringing, and her mom and I are changing 37 years worth. She wants an opportunity to change and make mistakes, yet is unwilling to afford that opportunity to anyone else.
When she's on the phone with me, she expresses interest to make changes in her life and leads me to believe that she'd like to come home, then makes alternate plans with her mother. Her mother and I talked about StepSpawn going home at Christmas, not during the summer, and her Mom ran out and bought StepSpawn a plane ticket to come visit, didn't tell me until I called to tell her StepSpawn had run away. I'm just tired of the sneaky BS. I try to play all of my cards face up. I don't always make the right choices, or react correctly, but I have committed to try, and I do notice when I foul up. I'm predictable, but I'm honest and sincere. At least that's what I strive for. I Love StepSpawn very much.
When I talked to StepSpawn on Friday, it was my intention to let her know that she wanted me to trust her and not second-guess her, but that she was making plans with her mother, and not including us in any of the decision making, and that is an example of why we have trouble accepting what she says as truth.
Then I went to the tattoo shop to drop off some artwork for an appointment last night, while there on Friday evening I left my cell phone on their counter (we don't have a home phone anymore). When I went there last night, they had my phone, so I have it back now, though we still had my work cell and The Mayor's cell with us for the weekend.
We boxed up a bunch of StepSpawn's personal items, The Mayor is taking them to the PO today, I don't know how long it will take for them to get there, but there are 4 boxes altogether. So regardless of where StepSpawn ends up she'll have all of her stuff with her.
It is my intention to affect change in my household. My first priority is to my family, to make sure that everyone is safe, loved, and cared for. Right below that on my list of family priorities is to teach my children respect and responsibility so that they have the tools to make good choices, and provide for themselves as adults.
I've still got 2 other kids in the house that notice when the rules aren't being followed, and when responsibilities are being shirked, it's just a matter of time before they start to question why they have to do anything we say either. When StepSpawn ran away to Loser Boyfriend's house it was the other kids that had to put up with the frustrated parents, it's the other kids that are putting up with the frustrated parents right now.
StepSpawn went home for Christmas vacation last year she was doing well. She wasn't skipping school, she was getting passing grades, and she was being rewarded, I sat in her room for an hour helping her curl her hair and drove her to a school dance, then came and picked her up. She can't say that when she's been honest with me, and displayed responsibility, that she hasn't been rewarded. When she started sneaking out with friends, smoking in her bedroom, skipping school, failing classes, etc, her life got a lot harder, for her and for us. When I feel that anyone isn't being honest with me, or that there is some sneakiness going on, I'll most likely jump to conclusions. I'm an information junkie, if she doesn't give me anything to
work with I'll jump to conclusions, I've said it 1,000 times, and I'm sticking by it. You're only sneaky when you've got something to hide.
"Cinderella Syndrome"? Ask StepSpawn if it was this hard before she went to California. My guess is that it wasn't. We all had clean dishes and clothes before she came to live with us, and we all have clean dishes and clothes now. Does she still believe that? StepSpawn has tossed out her makeup and isn't wearing pants, but she is shopping and driving cars, so naturally that makes her happy. I haven't found anything yet that makes StepSpawn happier than driving and buying purses.
Like I said earlier, I'm just tired of sneaky BS. 37 years of conditioning has made me the way that I am right now. The things that I've done, seen, and felt are the things that have shaped my thought process, not an easy task to try to change, even harder when I'm getting fiction instead of facts.I'm frustrated, The Mayor's frustrated, the rest of the kids are confused. We're all stressed. Scrapbookin' Princess asked me on Saturday how come StepSpawn gets to drive grandma's car, isn't she grounded or anything from running away? So yeah, raising kids is easy...
Love, Jim
We've been trying to call you since Friday after you talked to StepSpawn, but since we haven't connected, will write an email to hopefully clear up a misunderstanding. From what StepSpawn told us of your conversation, you think that a decision has been made without you to determine where StepSpawn will live. Let me tell you first of all that that is not the case. As both Dad and I told you, when we picked StepSpawn up, living with us is an option, and we feel a better option than sending her to Illinois. If I have said or done anything to make you think otherwise, I apologize.
We have talked to StepSpawn about that option, and explained to her that our life style is very different from what she has been used to, that if Your width of latitude with her is three feet wide, ours is three inches wide. And that our beliefs dictate that certain rules are not negotiable such as no make up, no pants (skirts or dresses only), etc. We were as inclusive as possible with the "non-negotiable" as we could be and explained why. She agreed to abide by these rules while she is with us possibly because she views it as short term. We have also talked to her about home schooling if she were to live with us. We have tried to be completely honest with her and have told her that having her with us would be a big change to our life style as well as hers. That our plans are to spend several months back east this fall which we would not be able to do if she is with us. We are willing to change our plans if both her parents determine that it is best for her to live with us.
Jim, one of the most important factors with your father is his relationship with you, we will not do anything to jeopardize that. So, if you do not want her with us, it will be your choice not ours.
Having said all of that, I also need to tell you the process we have found that StepSpawn is going through. When StepSpawn first got here, she was very angry with both you and The Mayor, going through what I call the Cinderella syndrome. She felt that she had become your slave and that was the only reason you wanted her there. The more we talked, the more she expressed that she feels that you do not listen to her, that you lecture for hours and that you immediately fly off the handle instead of asking questions, you accuse. (I'm pretty sure that non of this comes as a surprise to you as you have figured that there is a communication gap between the two of you. I'm also pretty sure that there is some truth in this but not all) at this point StepSpawn's whole focus was to convince her Mom that she should go back there and live.
We asked StepSpawn to write down the things that she wanted to talk to you, her Mom, The Mayor, and Stepdad about on the 19th. She has been making lists of these things, as well as what she likes about living at each house. Some of the things she has shared with us, some she has not, but she is planning to bring all of it up, either separately, or all together, when everyone is here. As I said, She was at first planning to convince her Mom that she should go back to California. That was until Sunday. StepSpawn called her Mom and told her of her plan, and apparently her Mom told her that she thought StepSpawn would be better off with us. They argued for a few minutes then her mom hung up on her (according StepSpawn)StepSpawn cried for at least 2 hours. She felt like her Mom didn't want her. She had been rejected. She then became angry at her Mom, because she felt that Her Mom would not discuss anything with her and that she has time for everyone StepSpawn.
Monday you called her and told her that you wanted to find ways to better communicate with her and work on solving the problems between the two of you. (Telling her you might be able to get "the handbag" back didn't hurt either.) Suddenly, things looked a little brighter for StepSpawn. She said if Dad is going to try to change, I think I can live with them. Now her plan was to live with Dad and tell Mom just to forget it.
I gotta tell you, you really fouled up when you talked to her on Friday. Until then she was coming home to you but you didn't do any of the things you said you would do - like listen and not jump to conclusions. She tried to call you back to explain that living with Grandpa and Grandma has only ever been an option. But so far she has not been able to talk to you. Now she feels totally rejected. She thinks that you didn't mean it when you said you wanted to fix things between you and react differently when problems arise. Now she doesn't know what to do or think. But you know what? Living with us is still only her third choice. She still would rather be with either you or her Mom.
We have a lot of things to talk about on the 19th, and your Dad and I have some things to include, but ultimately the decision of where StepSpawn lives is yours, The Mayor's, her Mom's, Stepdad's and StepSpawn's. Your dad and I will abide by whatever you all decide. StepSpawn will not live with us unless all of you willingly agree that this is the best place for her to be at this time, and she will only be here as long as you all willingly agree that she should stay here.
One of the things that I have learned, is that there is a bond between you and StepSpawn, and between her Mom and StepSpawn that no one can break, She loves both of you so much.
I hope this has cleared up some misunderstandings. We love you both.
Sandy and Dad
And here's Jim's reply
Sandy,
I told StepSpawn that I was probably going to continue to fly off the handle when faced with situations that anger me, especially sneakiness. The conversation that I had with StepSpawn on Friday was a result of my conversation with her mother on Friday afternoon.
Her Mom tells me StepSpawn has been trying to convince her to let StepSpawn come back to California, and StepSpawn and Grandma have decided that it would be best to try it out for a semester, if it doesn't work out StepSpawn can go back to Grandma's house.
I've talked to StepSpawn and she demands that everybody believe that she can change and that it will require work, and patience on our parts to let her do that, yet it escapes her understanding to believe that she is changing 15 years of upbringing, and her mom and I are changing 37 years worth. She wants an opportunity to change and make mistakes, yet is unwilling to afford that opportunity to anyone else.
When she's on the phone with me, she expresses interest to make changes in her life and leads me to believe that she'd like to come home, then makes alternate plans with her mother. Her mother and I talked about StepSpawn going home at Christmas, not during the summer, and her Mom ran out and bought StepSpawn a plane ticket to come visit, didn't tell me until I called to tell her StepSpawn had run away. I'm just tired of the sneaky BS. I try to play all of my cards face up. I don't always make the right choices, or react correctly, but I have committed to try, and I do notice when I foul up. I'm predictable, but I'm honest and sincere. At least that's what I strive for. I Love StepSpawn very much.
When I talked to StepSpawn on Friday, it was my intention to let her know that she wanted me to trust her and not second-guess her, but that she was making plans with her mother, and not including us in any of the decision making, and that is an example of why we have trouble accepting what she says as truth.
Then I went to the tattoo shop to drop off some artwork for an appointment last night, while there on Friday evening I left my cell phone on their counter (we don't have a home phone anymore). When I went there last night, they had my phone, so I have it back now, though we still had my work cell and The Mayor's cell with us for the weekend.
We boxed up a bunch of StepSpawn's personal items, The Mayor is taking them to the PO today, I don't know how long it will take for them to get there, but there are 4 boxes altogether. So regardless of where StepSpawn ends up she'll have all of her stuff with her.
It is my intention to affect change in my household. My first priority is to my family, to make sure that everyone is safe, loved, and cared for. Right below that on my list of family priorities is to teach my children respect and responsibility so that they have the tools to make good choices, and provide for themselves as adults.
I've still got 2 other kids in the house that notice when the rules aren't being followed, and when responsibilities are being shirked, it's just a matter of time before they start to question why they have to do anything we say either. When StepSpawn ran away to Loser Boyfriend's house it was the other kids that had to put up with the frustrated parents, it's the other kids that are putting up with the frustrated parents right now.
StepSpawn went home for Christmas vacation last year she was doing well. She wasn't skipping school, she was getting passing grades, and she was being rewarded, I sat in her room for an hour helping her curl her hair and drove her to a school dance, then came and picked her up. She can't say that when she's been honest with me, and displayed responsibility, that she hasn't been rewarded. When she started sneaking out with friends, smoking in her bedroom, skipping school, failing classes, etc, her life got a lot harder, for her and for us. When I feel that anyone isn't being honest with me, or that there is some sneakiness going on, I'll most likely jump to conclusions. I'm an information junkie, if she doesn't give me anything to
work with I'll jump to conclusions, I've said it 1,000 times, and I'm sticking by it. You're only sneaky when you've got something to hide.
"Cinderella Syndrome"? Ask StepSpawn if it was this hard before she went to California. My guess is that it wasn't. We all had clean dishes and clothes before she came to live with us, and we all have clean dishes and clothes now. Does she still believe that? StepSpawn has tossed out her makeup and isn't wearing pants, but she is shopping and driving cars, so naturally that makes her happy. I haven't found anything yet that makes StepSpawn happier than driving and buying purses.
Like I said earlier, I'm just tired of sneaky BS. 37 years of conditioning has made me the way that I am right now. The things that I've done, seen, and felt are the things that have shaped my thought process, not an easy task to try to change, even harder when I'm getting fiction instead of facts.I'm frustrated, The Mayor's frustrated, the rest of the kids are confused. We're all stressed. Scrapbookin' Princess asked me on Saturday how come StepSpawn gets to drive grandma's car, isn't she grounded or anything from running away? So yeah, raising kids is easy...
Love, Jim
posted by The Mayor @8/11/2005 04:00:00 PM
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