My Cat Just Tried To Kill Me.

So I have this cat, Seamus, a Siamese annoying motherfucker. For some reason he's a dirty bastard and will not clean himself. I do not have this problem with my other 2 cats, they are clean as a whistle, and when the get done cleaning themselves, they will usually give him a little bath as well, probably because the are disgusted with him...

I had this bright idea today to give him a bath. He's a beautiful cat that I cannot stand to pet because he feels grimy all the time.

SIDEBAR: Bright Ideas are usually not a good idea, as you'll soon read.

So I fill the kitchen sink half full with warm water (don't want to alarm the little shit by having the faucet on) and proceed to grab the cat (who is so stupid he has no idea what's about to happen, the other 2 cats were long gone by this time) and carry him to the sink.

He was fine right up until I started to lower him into the water (which he must've thought was hot lava, by the way he was behaving)...

He started HOWLING and all four legs were splayed, all toes as well! He started scratching the counter, trying to climb out of the sink, all the while I'm trying to hold him down (and getting completely soaked in the process) so he turns and scratches the shit out of me and runs off, taking roughly a gallon of water down onto the floor in the process!

"Motherfucker...Seamus! Get back here you rat bastard!"

I find him hiding under the Christmas tree, so I bend down and stick my hand out, and the fucktard comes right to me!

SIDEBAR: I swear this cat is a tad slow, not the smartest cat I've ever met, that's for sure.

So, since he's already wet I decide to try again, want to actually put shampoo on him this time.

Now he's really pissed. He starts biting the side of the sink (metal, mind you) and scratching and bitching...then it happens-

He methodically turns his head and deliberately bites my index finger, right below the nail!

"Ow!! You little fucker!!!"

I slap the shit out of him and throw him on the floor, I'm bleeding profusely all over the white towel I had at the ready to dry him off lovingly with (not quite the way I imagined it going, but oh well) and I'm proceeding to dry him off.

Now he's a wet dirty cat.

So I throw the towel into the laundry room, go upstairs to change out of my drenched clothes, and give myself some first aid on my near fatal wound...

Go back down to the laundry/bathroom, walk in the door, and was completely assaulted by the smell of cat piss!

Fuckin' Asshole! Pissed on the towel while I was drying him off! Jeez!

Start a load of HOT laundry and call BSOH to tell him about my homicidal cat.

And the little fucker still comes right to me...next time, I will get the shampoo in...After I buy some chainmail gloves...