I'm a Hypochondriac...

Seriously, everytime I feel crappy, I think it's serious. Today, my chest hurt while I was shopping; "Oh, God, I'm having a heart attack from all that fast food, I just know it!!!"

Last week, I had a knot in my neck, (like a muscle knot I'm sure) and I was positive it was a tumor!!

What is wrong with me? Is it because I've known or know people with serious illnesses, and I think I'm next? I know that sounds totally crappy, but I'm one of those people that hates going to the doctor, absolutely hates it.

I had a dear friend of mine die last year of brain cancer, and she was only 35. She left behind 2 children, 13 and 8, and they had to go live with their peice of shit dad, even though she had a long term live in boyfriend that raised them better. I think the thing that freaks me out the most, is she was going to school (nursing) and had finally quit the waitressing job she'd had for 10 years and hated, and things were starting to go right for her, then one day, she stumbled and was slurring her words, and the friend that she was with at the time told her she should go to the dr. because those were symptoms of MS, and the next thing you know, she has a brain tumor, terminal. She lived only 8 more months, Half paralyzed, in a rehab center for a while (they tried surgery, and radiation, it came back) then in a hospital bed at home, then finally a hospice center.

I have another friend, my best friend since high school, who has rheumatoid arthritis, and as a result of that has developed a pretty serious lung condition. Thank heavens she has been improving, because I don't know what I would do without her! I'd give her one of my own lungs if she needed it and if they'd take it, but it's all charred and nasty from smoking I'm sure. I also feel guilty about that, because I have seemingly healthy lungs, and she doesn't, and I trash on mine every time I light a cigarette. Disgusting. Yet another reason to quit.

So I know these things happen to young, seemingly healthy people, and yet I can't drag myself to the doctor! I sit around obsessing about it instead. I had an abnormal pap about a year and a half ago, they did a biopsy (quite unpleasant, I must say) and I am supposed to get checked every 4 months for 2 years of clean paps. I was supposed to go back in June, I still haven't. I'm gonna feel really shitty if when I do go back, there's something wrong that could've been caught had I kept my appointments, aren't I?

I am going to make an appointment tomorrow, there, I said it, it's published, now I have to stick to it.

Thanks for letting me bitch, it's been one of those days...