Dear Bitch at Hollywood Video...(Fantasy Letter)

Dear Troll with the Mole:
I am relinquishing my rights to rent DVD's and video games at your establishment, because of you. You are a condescending twat, looking down on me whenever I ask a question, any question, as if I am some kind of retard. Sorry, "Oh Great One", that I am not skilled like yourself in the whereabouts of every single fucking movie in this suck-ass store.

Must you shout every single time I come up to the counter and give you my phone number, that I owe $34.57 in late fees? I pay a little each time I come in, and sometimes, I even pay them completely off, but still you treat me like a second class citizen. Oh how I wish I assistant managed a Hollywood Video at the age of 38, such as you do, I am so completely jealous!

My children even think you are mean, and that's saying something. Did you not jerk a movie out of my son's hand one fine day? I'll do the parenting of my children, thank you very much.

When I walk into the store, you always barrage me with your "Hi!" which is so totally fake, and when I ignore you (as I often do as of late) you shout "Hi! Hi! Hi!" until every person in the store is looking at you, and they all think I'm a bitch for not acknowledging. Did it ever occur to you that I don't want to say hi? I'd rather rip the rather large mole off your face and shove it up your ass than be nice to you, any given day.

I've tried repeatedly to complain about you to your actual manager, but I think you've killed her and put her in the drop box, so you can have total reign over the "Hollywood Video" you rule with an iron fist. Kind of suspicious how the manager of a store is NEVER there, yet it seems you always are. 10 am till Midnight, 7 days a week. I know this because I try to come up and rent movies at all times of the day, so I can avoid you, but to no avail.

Clearly you are bitter about your job, your life, (or lack thereof) and your giant mole, but I'll not have you take it out on me anymore! I've gone and gotten a Blockbuster Video membership, and they were absolutely dreamy! Polite, answering my questions with a fucking smile, unlike you. Not belittling, and I loved not trying not to stare at a Volkswagen sized growth, it was pleasant, for a change. Oh, and I get a 7 day grace period with all my rentals, I think since I usually only return them a day or two late, we won't have the late fee issue at Blockbuster. What do you think?

So here are your fucking rental cards, you may shove them completely up your ass.

Good Day.

The Mayor